Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Jeff: Good evening, Achmed
Achmed: Good evening, infidel
J: So you're a terrorist
A: Yes, I ame a terrorist
J: What kind of terrorist?
A: A terrifying terrorist. Are you scared?
J: Not, really no.
A: Haaa. And now?
J: Not, really no.
A: Oh, haaaaaa. How about now?
J: No.
A: God damn it. Oh, oh, I mean Allah damn it.
A: Silence. I'kill you!
J: So Achmed...
A: ... no no, It's Achmed.
J: That's what I said.
A: No, you said Akne. It's Achmed, ch ch ch ch. Silence! I'll kill you!
J: How do you spell it?
A: What?
J: How do you spell your name?
A: Oh you see an A, C, FLAMCH... Silence! I'll kill you!
J: So Achmed if you're a terrorist I would suppose you have some sort of speciality.
A: Yes, I am a suicide bomber.
J: Ah, so you are finished?
A: What?
J: You have done your job.
A: no, I haven't.
J: But you're dead.
A: No I 'm not. I feel fine.
J: But you're all bone.
A: It's a fleshwound, Silence! I'll kill you! What the hell happened to my feet? Son of a bitch, what the hell? Oh wait a minute ... What the hell. What are you doing? What XXX, what are you doing? Stop touching me! I'll kill you!
J: Oh, just hold on, I'll fix it.
A: OK, wait. What are you doing? XXX karate in the air. Wait, wait. Wait, something is backward, holy crap, I don't want... I need some ???liqueurements???
J: Just sit still.
A: OK, I will not move my ass.
W: you idiot you don't have an ass.
A: Is that Walter?
J: Yeah.
A: He scares the crap out of me. Please do not put me back in the same suitcase.
J: Why?
A: He has gas ??? Saddam's mustard gas is nothing compared to the Walter fart!
A: It's not funny. He will kill us!
J: Alright, listen.  Achmed. I have something to tell you.
A: What?
J: You're really dead.
A: Are you sure?
J: Yes.
A: I just got my XXX.
J: You're really dead.
A: Wait. If I am dead, hu, that means that I give my 72 virgins. Are you my virgins? I hope not.
J: Why?
A: There is a bunch of the ugliest guys out here! If this is a paradise, I've been screwed!
J: What? Did they say there would be only female virgins?
A: Holy crap! Wait, I can have a Clea Eckan. Hahahaha. I told a joke.
J: So listen Achmed, where did you come from?
A: Your freaking suitcase. Hahahaha. I told another one.
J: Look, if you've been in my suitcase all the time how would you get through security in the airports?
A: Oh, that's easy. They open the case and I go: Hello, I am Lindsey Lohan. I told another joke. I can do this crap too. OK, here's another one. Two Jews walk in a bar...
J: No, no.
A: What?
J: No. 
A: What? you don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard.
J: What I mean I don't want racist jokes in my act.
A: Oh, OK. How about if I kill the Jews?
J: No.
A: I'm kidding. I would not kill the Jews. No. I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death. Hahahaha. Yes, yes. I did the same thing with two catholic priests that I tossed a small boy. Hahaha. Yes, yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson.
J: Achmed!
A: What?
J: Stop doing this. You can't tell jokes like that.
A: Why not, I'm killing XXX.
J: You can't talk jokes like that.
A: Why?
J: It offends people.
A: Oh. I'm dead what do I care? What do you want me to do - knock knock jokes?
J: Probably better.
A: OK. knock knock.
J: Who is there?
A: Me. I'll kill you.
J: So look. As a suicide bomber have you had training?
A: Of course. We had the suicide bomber training camp.
J: Aha. Is there a nice facility?
A: It used to be.
J: What happened?
A: New guy. The idiot tried to practice.
J: What did you guys learn from that?
A: Location, location, location.
J: Do you guys have any kind of model?
A: Like what?
J: Like we are looking for a few good men.
A: We're looking for some idiots with no future.
J: So where do you get your recruits?
A: The suicide hotline. Hahahaha. That was dark, was it not?
J: So what exactly happened to you?
A: He?
J: What happened?
A: Oh. If you must know. I am a horible suicide bomber.
J: What happened?
A: I had a premature detonation. I set the timer for 30 minutes but it went off in 4 seconds. You know whats that like,right? Mister Hurricane!
W: Hahahaha.
J: So Achmed what exactly happened to you?
A: Well. I was dripping gasoline and I answered my cellphone. Can you hear me? Pch! At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes. 
J: That's too bad.
A: It's OK, I took that XXX bastard with me.
J: So, what is like to die, do you see white light?
A: If you gonna to watch the explosion, yes.
J: I mean some people say when I die I see a white light. What did you see?
A: A saw flying car parts.
J: What's the last thing that went through your mind?
A: My ass. Hahaha. Walter told me to tell a joke.
J: So you never saw a white light?
A: No but I saw a blue Prius. Do you really have one of those vehicles? That is not a car but a lunchbox. Did you know when you
going down the highway in a Prius put your hand out of window the vehicle will turn?
J: You did all this for a bunch of virgins?
A: Are you kidding me? I'll kill you for a Clondike bar.
J: So I guess you're a Muslim.
A: I don't think so.
J: You're not Muslim.
A: No.
J: Why ?
A: Look on my ass. It's made in China. Walter says I am just a stinky Helloween decoration.
J: So do you like being in D.C.?
A: I think some idiots must live here.
J: Why?
A: For example the Washington monument. It looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like the tribute to Bill Clinton.
J: What do you think of Bush.
A: Oh, I love b.... oh you mean the president, I'm sorry.